Tuesday, January 31, 2012

TOP FIVE things I learned from The Bachelor

#5 If ten girls tell you that one specific girl is bat-shiz crazy, you should believe instead that it's the ten girls who are crazy. 

#4 If you can overcome your fear of heights, and bungee jump off the bay bridge, that means you are ready to overcome your fear of relationships, and jump into love. If you can't, this means you are emotionally stunted, and you are there for the wrong reasons.

#3 Kissing in water is always sexy, unless your feet can't touch the bottom and you're arms and legs are flailing about when you go to plant one on her, and then there's that awkward moment when you realize you can't smooch and stay afloat.

#2 If you are in doubt of your feelings, strip. This will prove that you are ready to expose your innermost layers, because you are ready to expose your skin. If you can't, this means you are emotionally frigid, and there for the wrong reasons. (Side note: The worst indictment on someone is to say they are "there for the wrong reasons".)

#1 When the couple next door to me was sharing an intimate moment, I sneaked up and said, "Can I steal him for a moment? You've already had one-on-one time." ... This is not okay.

20 comments:

  1. I can't believe he can't see how crazy that girl is! Why am I even watching this season? I guess I like watching train wrecks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As much as I love brainless entertainment, I can't watch anymore. I become too violent. :)

      Delete
  2. #1 was a very valuable lesson that you learned. I think it will take you far in life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, once I recover from learning the lesson. :)

      Delete
  3. Very good insight, Brodi. I think I have never laughed more in any episode of season in 10 years. My favorite two quotes of the night were 1). Courtney: "I bet he's never been skinny dipping with a MODEL before" and 2) (the next night) Ben: "I feel really CRAPPY about last night."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wanna go on, and be all, "I bet he's never been skinny-dipping with a middle-aged mom of two." I'd ruin him for skinny dipping ever again!

      Delete
    2. I thought the same thing. Also, Did you notice how much more "relaxed" (bored, annoyed, etc.) he was the next night? Kinda like..."I don't really care about y'all anymore cause I just did it with a MODEL. 'nuff said."

      Delete
  4. Yes, 'cause not willing to have sex or strip in front of someone means you're totally there for the wrong reasons! Wow! How misguided I've been all my life. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's never too late to change, girlfriend.

      Delete
    2. I beg to differ. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. And, I'm definitely OLD.

      Delete
  5. Hi,
    (first: I'm german but I hope you can understand me...)

    A really funny post.
    I don't know "your" The Bachelor but just "my" german one and...
    1. all the girls a crazy (and brainless)
    2. they are all "there for the wrong reasons" (which is actually just one reason): Show their half-naked bodies on television to become famous. Or better: their nine-tenth-naked bodies, because half-naked means already half-frigid ;-).
    Becoming famous that way doesn't work that well of course, but they are trying hard...
    And being "there for the wrong reasons" is the worst indictment here, too.

    It's somehow a funny show, but I can't watch more than five minutes in a row. I feel my brain cells die off whenever I watch longer.

    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It definitely kills brain cells!

      And your English is fabulous!!

      Delete
    2. Brodi! Your German fans have found you! So. Cool.

      Delete
  6. Hmmm...so let me get this straight. The girl who is deathly afraid of heights is there for the wrong reason because she doesn't exactly want to lose all bodily functions by bungee jumping off the bay bridge to "prove she is ready for a relationship". But the girl who is willing to strip bare butt naked and "expose her layers" is there for the right reason.

    Methinks I must wonder what said "reason" is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be famous! Oh wait... they say it's to "find true love".

      Sure.

      Delete
  7. Any guy who will oust a girl for not stripping for him is doing her a favor. I still don't understand how any girl with the "right" motivation would be okay with the guy she's dating, um, "dating" other girls, too. Does the definition of "able to commit" now INCLUDE "is a horn-dog?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! It never ceases to amaze me. When the girls are all, "I can't believe he's with that other girl!" I'm all, "Really? Have you watched the show?"

      Delete
  8. Man! I don't watch The Bachelor. Look at all these amazing lessons I'm missing. Tsk tsk. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't start watching it. Pretty please.

      Delete
  9. Ah, The Bachelor. I long the for the pure, old days, when the show was only 57% manufactured drama/emotions. Good times.

    Here's the lesson I learned:

    Within the first few dates, you should be feeling that the bachelor/dude is "the kind of guy I can see myself falling for."

    Then, when the traveling dates begin, you need to comment on how Spain/the Bahamas/China is "the perfect place to fall in love," and that you are "starting to fall for" your man.

    And finally, we all know that the fantasy dates are the time to confess your love, preferably at dinner, just before the card comes and you "chose to forgo your individual rooms." ;)

    ReplyDelete